the Rule of Effort and Pain

 I try not to complain.  So I'm not.  I'm just laying it out as it went through my head this morning.  I push my physical body to the limit of damage as a way to get things done - and it is not visible.  Pain.  I know I can't relate to what other people say pain is, until it gets to the 'loudspeaker' point with a broken bone or concussion or huge gash gushing blood.  The everyday things, like a sprained wrist, or a headache, or a twisted ankle.. all parts of my normal EDS, I just tell them to shut up, and get along with my day as best as possible.  

Pain medication does almost absolutely nothing for me.  I find it annoying to get ten minutes to an hour of relief and have it come back.  I find it 'easier' to raise the mental wall and use my own body's defense mechanisms, because they last longer, and in the moment, I'm me - I can't rely on anything outside of myself, because then what happens when it isn't there?  If I can deal with the pain internally without relying on an external crutch, that has to be better, right?  So I had to find other ways to balance what this body is versus what I need it to do, and I learned that at a young age, so young that I do it as instinct now and have to really think about it to analyze why and how. 

I 'hear' the pain - through my synesthesia maybe, another thing that is just inexplicable to most people, but I have found many ways that I use it in my life that makes it a benefit to me, just not one I can make relatable usually.  The pain is like a background noise -- and it is an annoying one.  At some point, I say 'thank you for the notification' and tell it to go sit in the corner.  It doesn't get quieter perse, but it is no longer on my front shelf of attention until I do something stupid and make it worse, which happens, often with my knee.  But it sits there in my subconscious, whining like a puppy out of the corner of my 'mental eye'.  I know it affects me, and it shows then as a 'wear me down'.. a melancholia or attitude, a struggle each time planning how I am going to get up and do this, going through the steps in my mind before I do it. 

Usually, I 'walk sideways' (more for equilibrium issues I also have, but it applies) and no one really notices until it gets intense or my shields finally break down.

It doesn't make the situation go away.  Sometimes, it makes it worse.  Sometimes though, it is the only way from point A to point B, and I silently commend myself for finding that way without breaking down one way or another.  It isn't healthy, it is actually a form of disassociation, I've had suggested to me... but it gets the job done.  And later, I find some small human joy to make the day Somewhat Better, and feel the relief ten times more than I ever felt the pain.  

It's a cup of tea, taking the time to wash and fluff a blanket, making a favorite food, or sitting in the sunshine.  And my realization to make myself write this - this morning - was that the Somewhat Betters are actually myself allowing myself to be a human in this body, instead of a robot that pushes and finished the tasks step by step until they are done and then allows the human form to compensate.  Usually my compensation is eating a ton of food (anti-inflammatory food helps a lot)  and sleeping for ten to twelve hours (if possible).  

I took this morning to do some of the things a regular human in a regular body would do.  And now, if you need me, I'll be drinking cofffee and playing Minecraft and waiting for my blanket to get out of the dryer. ,