Shepard Lane Garden

 I try not to complain.  So I'm not.  I'm just laying it out as it went through my head this morning.  I push my physical body to the limit of damage as a way to get things done - and it is not visible.  Pain.  I know I can't relate to what other people say pain is, until it gets to the 'loudspeaker' point with a broken bone or concussion or huge gash gushing blood.  The everyday things, like a sprained wrist, or a headache, or a twisted ankle.. all parts of my normal EDS, I just tell them to shut up, and get along with my day as best as possible.   Pain medication does almost absolutely nothing for me.  I find it annoying to get ten minutes to an hour of relief and have it come back.  I find it 'easier' to raise the mental wall and use my own body's defense mechanisms, because they last longer, and in the moment, I'm me - I can't rely on anything outside of myself, because then what happens when it isn't there?  If I can deal ...

 I'm still hypothesizing what I mean by theRule of Effort.  It is not a cut and dry equation.  There are so many things that cascade and swirl around to create this turmoil and dilemma t hat comes up in my head often. Do I put forth the effort for this - and for myself, or for others, or for both? Saw a quote today that said 'growth is caring more about your own progress than what others think of it/you'... and yes, with my PTSD I have trouble with this.  It is a bad scar taht if I pick at it, it will come open and be hard to work through all of the rest of what is in front of me every day. Then I think again of what it means in context of the Rule of Effort. My head moves at a hundred miles per hour compared to my fingers, my body .. and so often, my body does not even want to cooperate, or there is no time in the 'real world' schedule to bring what I am thinking of to life.  Other times, the rule of effort comes in and I am giving the project some time, but it...